Twilight: Breaking Balls

I'll preface this brief little ditty with the fact that, at TIMES, I have been known to be a conspiracy theorist.  DO I believe that the government is responsible for blowing up the World Trade Centers? No.  Maybe.  No.  I don't care.  Do I think that there are cameras watching me pee in certain public restrooms? Absolutely.  

I am going to throw you out a theory here.  

Although I can't really say I have seen any of these twilight movies, I CAN say that I am somewhat fascinated by the Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson cheating scandal and kind of have been reading everything written about it.  For those of you that have been chained up in Fangtasia's basement for the last month (or even  just Fantasia Barino's basement), this is what happened.

That girl from the Twilight movies with the dead guys and translucent skin, Kristen Stewart, cheated on Robert Pattinson with her director from Snow White and the Cuntsman and now he's a wreck and he is living in Reese Witherspoon's ranch and she isn't showering and the relationship is in shambles and is over for good.  An age old story.  It is clogging the cover of magazines, social media, and gossip websites all over the world, causing the Kardashian family to be on indefinite suicide watch.

WHAT if it's all A LIE?

A big Hollywood fabrication, just sewn into the tapestry of marketing, publicity, and brainwash associated with the very livelihood of the movie industry.  We all know Tom Cruise is a big homosexual and if you don't believe that then you must also believe that Clay Aiken is a straight man with a wife and thirty children, sitting at home scratching his balls watching the game, slapping his wife's ass, and cerrrrtainly not trolling the internet for illicit bareback fuckboy time behind the rooftop transformers at the Eagle NYC.

I think that Robert Pattinson is a gay little poofter - which I happen to think is wonderful! Fine! Whatever! - and I think that Kristen Stewart is a gold medal muff diver - did you see her in Panic Room people did you SEE??  I believe that this cheating affair was perfectly orchestrated to give the twilight franchise one last push of publicity before the film comes out.  These two actors were contractually bound as a couple throughout the entire thing, the fantasy couple brought together by the film, Edward and Bella together forever... and now that it is all coming to a close, that will have found a seamless separation by the time the movie premieres, and they can go their separate ways with both their careers and personal lives.  The studio no longer needs them to be together anymore to milk them for money, so the moment the twilight press tour comes to a close, their glamorous indentured servitude will have finally left them de-shackled and free to do whatever the FUCK they want.  But naturally, there needed to be an INCIDENT powerful enough to generate headlines.  The cheating never happened.  It was a manipulated Hollywood scene with a paid photographer to accidentally shoot the photo.  Robert Pattinson has been sucking dick since he was in the womb and probably had a mai-tai to celebrate when the studios finally allowed the scandal to break.  And Kristen Stewart just continued to be a well wound little braindead puppet as always.

Ultimately, they will both remain in the closet because that is what good hollywood actors with smart managers do until one of them fucks up and tries to rape a masseur half their age.  But until then, WATCH my prediction unfold.  They will not get back together, and the communication/association between them will cease entirely after the last twilight movie comes out.

Now please excuse me while I go find a life somewhere.


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