Shit Nightlife People Say

Here is my little homage to that Shit people say trend that the kids are into this week.

25 Really Annoying Fucking Things about the NYC Subway

If you live in New York or any other desolate, dirty, sprawling urban wasteland then you know that the following things probably ALL happen to you in the span of a week.  Here is a list of some things I thought of that make me want to commit suicide when I ride the train.




1.  When the train is mildly full there is always some asshole with a backpack the size of a goddamned circus tent standing too close to the door while it is trying repeatedly to shut - as he complacently plays Angry Birds the entire time.


2.  The fact that very severe delays "due to train traffic ahead" only occur on days where we have either a job interview, it is your first day of a new job, or you are having a very serious problem controlling either your bladder or your bowels.


3.  Mariachi bands.


4.  Homeless people who smell like a mixture of dead people and a wrestling singlet that hasn't been washed in 25 years.


5.  The asshole who is taking his sweet ass time walking down the platform stairs in front of you - texting, sipping on a coke, whatever - all as you are watching the train you are rushing to catch close its doors and sail away.


6.  Those begging for money whose stylistic choice includes standing at one end of the train car and yelling in monotone a prepared speech that he/she regurgitates endlessly throughout the day "hi-ladies-and-gentlemen-i- don't-mean-to-disturb-your-ride-but-in-light-of-the-holidays-show-some-love-i-am-broke-homeless-looking-for-a-job-seven-kids-just-trying-to-make-some-honest-money blah blah blah etc etc FUCK OFF.  Yeah that's great, it's called finding a job in the "gigs" section of craigslist.  Or trying a bottle of water instead of a half empty handle of Pinnacle Vodka you found in the trash.  I don't know.  The point is, meth is a hell of a drug.


7.  Annoying NYU girls.  You know, the really ugly rich ones that smell like expensive perfume and inflated senses of entitlement?  If I end up going more than five stops next to a couple of them, and they are speaking, I begin devising ways to strangle them with their own intestines.


8. Break dancers.  Sometimes they are validly entertaining.  I sure as hell can't dance like that.  But one of these days the token 12 year old in the group is gonna be sliding down that mahfuckin' pole waving his feet all crazy and bitch is gonna kick.someone.in.the.FACE!  And then we all have to deal with that awkwardness.


9. Actors rehearsing lines from their scripts just a little too vividly, as if ploying desperately for everyone's attention.  It's like dude you're on the fucking TRAIN - I don't give a shit about your "method."  Calm the fuck the down.  You're not Stella Adler.  Go home.


10. Loud black kids coming home from school.


11. People irrationally cramming themselves into a train during rush hour, sitting on each others shoulders and shit, stuffing themselves in like sardines.  Guess I didn't get that post-it reminding us all that there is only one single train car that only runs one single time in an entire day that every single resident of Manhattan has to take.  Oh well!


12.  Falling asleep and ending up in Canarsie.  Or Coney Island.  Or "East New York." I don't know, I've done all of the above.


13.  People who are fully aware that they are too heavy to squeeze in between two people sitting down but do it anyway.  Then they have to rummage around in their bag for five minutes trying to find their half-eaten Buffalo Chicken Sandwich and their copy of "Breaking Dawn."


14.  People who decide that the middle of a crowded train is the most innovative and rational place to break wind.


15.  Those times when you eye a perfectly located seat and you think "sweet how come no one has grabbed that" but upon closer examination realize it is because the seat is covered in an unidentifiable liquid or substance that everyone is too scared to go near.


16.  Tourists who freak out and scream and fall over when the train starts moving - and then it's all like "OHH my god KAITLYN be CAREFULLLL ahhghgh@#$@(@$(@(!!!!!" and then they take 20 pictures and mispronounce "Houston Street" before finally getting off at Times Square.


17.  Guys who do pull-ups on the bars.  Get over yourself.


18.  Out of control children and screaming babies.  Throttle them.  Cut off their air supply.  Just do it.


19.  The B D F line and how its frequency of arrival can be likened to that of Halley's Comet.


20.  That day when you're having an amazing morning and then you swipe your card and get those two green words of despair. Insufficient Fare.


21.  The people who take forever in front of you to buy Metrocards because they are unaware that it isn't a leisurely internet cafe experience for extended use.  People have places to be.


22.  I briefly touched on this one earlier but it deserves its own number - people who eat on the train.  A sensible granola bar, fine!  A bag of cashews, sure.  Not a 3 course meal from Boston Market.  Ugh.


23.  People who smoke electronic cigarettes while they are underground on the actual train.  I understand completely feeling like you need a smoke, but you seriously can't wait the fifteen minutes it takes from one point of fresh air hitting your face to the next?  You may as well attach an oxygen tube to your throat now.  You're fucked.


24.  People who decide that their Droid is actually a Dolby Digital Surround Sound system for the entire train car to enjoy, because them listening to Young Jeezy through their headphones is so out of the question.


25.  The MTA.  

britney talks sometimes.

My favorite part is toward the end when she says "Thank You" in a way almost to remind you that teleprompters do exist and are wonderful machines... and then after she finishes she looks off with an expression of "Was...was that good?  Am I done?  Home, now, yes? K great byeee!"

I sort of feel like the house on the right a little bit this year, because I chose to stay at home and act like a vegetable rather than going to the Christmas Tree Lighting at rock center with steven, and I kept avoiding the like 50 cent christmas tree deal they were doing on Living Social.

Hopefully I'll wake up sometime in the next week or so and all of a sudden be one of those holiday maniacs.  Maybe a whole bunch of coffee and cocaine will make it happen.

Stay tuned.