In Loving Memory

I spent the day on the phone trying to find broken mannequins and funeral guest books and it was far more difficult than I could have imagined.

I am trying to find all the necessary supplies I need to complete my vision for the JonBenet Ramsey theme of our weekly party, Kill Boy Kill, which starts on December 8th.


First off, doesn't anybody speak English anymore? Second off, why isn't your manager there... It's a business day? Third, I'm not sure why you are telling me about your unexpected swine flu experience while I'm holding for your pricing screen to pop up, but I like it and you have my sympathy.

I got some lady on the phone at a childrens clothing store who sounded exactly like Angela from The Office - so much so that I had to ask her for her name to make sure. It was KIMBERLY.

I tell Kimberly I needed a mannequin. Hilarity ensues.

ME: I need a mannequin. Child sized. Maybe 3 of them actually.

KIMBERLY: What age?

ME: 6, female.

KIMBERLY: Now, are you looking for something that is more of a bendable type child? Or fiberglass? We have both.

ME: A bennndable chilllld??

KIMBERLY: yes sir.

ME: I am not sure, but bendable sounds nice. And they can be broken. They are for personal use, not a store window or anything. Cheap cheap. As long as they are little girl sized I'm all about it. And if they can bend, as you say, that might be easier to get the clothes on and off.

Pause.

KIMBERLY: ok.

Pause

ME: yeah.

Pause

KIMBERLY: (hangs up)

I eventually found someone who will accommodate me without judgment of my presumed sexual proclivities with underaged plastic dolls, and that is another reason New York is a special place.

I called up a funeral home to find a guest book for the party foyer. More hilarity ensues.

ME: I'm looking for a funeral guest book for people to sign and write comments.

GUY: ok. What kind?

ME: it's for a little girl. About 6 years old.

GUY: I'm sorry to hear that.

ME: it's really ok. But thank you.

GUY: do you need it for this Saturday?

ME: No. Not until December 8th.

*pause*

GUY: umm, that is almost... 3 weeks away, sir.

ME. Ya.

GUY: I... Well, I mean... That's a fairly long time to plan a funeral, right?

ME: I guess. I mean, she's been dead for years.

GUY: And only now do you need a guest book.

ME: yep.

*pause*

GUY: we're open until six tonight.


- joshua

Location:Ellery St,Brooklyn,United States