A Few Thoughts on Katy Perry

I'm not going to give a tremendous come-to-Jesus talk on Katy Perry, but I feel like it is my moral duty as a citizen of the world to make an official statement.

She is a TERRRRIBLE singer.

And if that is not the case, then she is just flat out a terrible live vocal performer. In addition, I don't really understand her concept, how she is supposed to be packaged and sold to consumers so that we buy into it. The music business likes to create a tapestry of little pockets, with each member of the community fitting easily into their own little ones.

Pink? The Rock chick. We get it. We like it.

Gwen Stefani? Funky, fresh, synth heavy sweetie.

Beyonce? The diva. (as much as I do hate her too)

Lady Gaga? Puts on a suit of armor to go to the corner deli. Sketchy. Whatever.

But WHO is KATY PERRY supposed to be?

I don't get the blue hair and the lollipops and the I-have-a-dick-in-my-ass-whoopsie! expression she always has on her face. What is her compartment? And why does she look exactly like Zooey Deschanel?

She has publicly admitted to never actually even kissing a girl, LET alone liking it.

Listen, I like her new album. It is catchy and has some great songs for what they are, but they are saturated with autotune to make it good and you know what? FINE! just please please someone stop letting that bitch perform live. It is a repeat offense and it just keeps happening again and again. Britney Spears, as well as her people, know better than to let THAT bitch open her fucking mouth live. They just basically got her to the point where she just has to shut the FUCK up, wobble around the stage, and put the 'former' in the word performer.

Katy Perrys people won't tell her the truth and so those motherfuckers gotta sit back and watch their PROACTIV Candyland cash cow struggle through notes with a pain not too unlike a breached birth.

I know everyone is gonna rush to her defense and you are probably all thinking, yeah, Joshua, like you could do any better. But I know I can't. I don't try. I stick to my known talents like manipulating the truth and trying to become the next great American novelist, and my lesser known talents like befriending people on the registered sex offenders list and then having tremendous underage fetish parties in my apartment.

She just can't do it live is all Im saying. Nothing less or more. Again, I like Teenage Dream. I think she is pretty. I am sure she is a nice broad like the rest of them. It's only the live performance issue I am bitching about. So don't get your fucking panties in a wad and think I'm being a cunt. Because you know what?

YOU ALL ARE CUNTS.

And I can't deal with it anymore.

First official flyer for KILL! BOY! KILL! will go viral by morning and will be on the inside cover of the next issue of Next Magazine.

You'll know it when you see it because a six year old little beauty queen will be smiling at you from the poster with the most succulent little ruby red lips.

Kiss kiss.


- joshua

Location:Ellery St,Brooklyn,United States