a chai tea and the moonwalk is the best cure for loneliness

the day post CMAs in Nashville is pretty ridiculous.

especially when you run into carrie underwood at the BMI offices while delivering flowers to an agent named Ted Roosevelt.

Last night I put on a suit and scarf and went to a cathedral to watch some Treveccans sing in a choir concert. I walked in there with my sunglasses on, shoes clicking in a terrible acoustic nightmare and sat in the front row. 7:28 p.m. After the singers finished, the conductor suggested we all stay to hear the strings. I got up, and clicked my ass all the way back down the aisle and left.

7:48 p.m. Arrive at Fido and drink a chai tea, read the nashville scene, listen to some anorexic hipster boys talk about nonsense behind me. i felt as though they had undergone their first sexual experience the night before and were now not sure how to bring it up.

8:40 p.m. Got to Tribe, ordered a gin and tonic. Buttons asked if I wanted anything else, but I politely declined, and sat there looking like a loser for about twenty, with kylie minogue videos playing in the back. sara luton finally called, and i met her and a few others at mafiozas.

we went to mcfaddens on 2nd, we listened to the new britney all the way down and discussed the societal impact of a working mother in the entertainment industry.

got $2 drinks until i won a moonwalking contest and got a free shot of some red stuff.

i was in bed by 2:48 a.m.

i think.

another day another dollar.

isnt that schmexy?


last night i saved my housemate from her fifth blue valium and a sketchy bartender named MIKE.

my grandfathers methods of incentive have been getting mixed reviews, results, and reactions from this end. things should get better.

i am meeting pete wentz this evening.

i have been on a diet of steamed broccoli and cigarettes though, so i should look sufficiently glamorous enough for the occasion.

old habits die hard.

its a beautiful day in the neighborhood

11:30 A.M.

Walked into the American Federation of Music on Music Row. It is gray outside. Aubrey and I spend fifteen minutes interacting with 60 year old Country Barbie at the counter before we realize all the execs are at Porter Wagoner's funeral at the Opry House, and since my grandfather thought Porter was a freak we were not in attendance.

Then we went to a costume shop and bought a John F. Kennedy mask. The lady at the counter was wearing Versace glasses and had perfect teeth, but I recognized her at the nightmare-inducing witch from the commercials for the shop. I told her she was often featured in my nightmares and she said that turned her on. We left.

I pick up some doughnuts, by request of my grandfather.

We get back and he has a meeting. Three pseudo-important people sit around chomping on doughnuts and I needed to sit there and take the minutes. I chewed on the doughnuts and spit them out into napkins when people werent looking because I must stay faithful to my crash diet that I have recently undertaken.

I told my grandfather I needed to go to the gym and had to leave work early.

"Gotta get yourself in shape for the casting couch..." he said.

"Yah," I said, and fluttered out the door.

now I will do 300 hundred crunches and jump rope until I pass out.

Then I will go to the Alleycat lounge and drink Blue Valiums until they have to carry me out on a stretcher.



how was your day?

the other day ashley tisdale from high school musical was in opry mills, and i probably would have broken her knees had i been in there. i cant quite explain why really.

i saw the fourth Saw movie last night. sf. per usual.

i have been channeling lindsay lohan a bit too much lately, and therefore am trying to settle my nerves with coffee and enya, which i requested we play in the office today. actually its really gross i have to change it hold on

my housemate is currently sleeping with this guy that rides a motorcycle and works at Beyond the Edge. he spent like an hour last night telling me about his prince albert piercing over some margaritas. i felt an unpleasant tingling in my groin as a result of the conversation and so i took my drink upstairs and passed out in the middle of sending a text message.

halloween is tomorrow.

so.

i'm working right now.

and i'm drunk.


when i am not drunk anymore, i will explain why i am drunk right now. and it has nothing to do with the liquor cabinet in the office.

living at 1044 seymour avenue is sick and glamorous, though rather odd at times.

my housemate is a raging alcoholic just like me, and we often wander around the house with bathrobes and cigarettes, busting booze cabinets around like bette davis in "whatever happened to baby jane"

michelle mccrary came over and we talked about our lives and she gave me good handsoap and we drank screwdrivers and talked shit.

my new friend eryk datura came over the other night with ryan and they met michelle. worlds colliding.

last night i decided i needed to go out so we went to lipstick lounge and some guy who was hitting on me told me he wanted to "break me up like a shotgun"

i scoffed and told him he was a degenerate heathen and gathered my entourage and walked out.

pancakes


being a gemini is just so tough.
part of me wants to be the finest actor in the world
the other part wants to be just another flash in the pan trashy pop icon.

louis armstrong has been playing since nine this morning

my friend jesse is coming into town tonight. i met him in philly when i was auditioning for walnut street. he is a part of some traveling childrens show about AIDS awareness or something

i am obsessed with the song Cyclone

it reminds me of dancing on katie cox's couch


Colby Caillat, that girls who sings that tree-hugging Bubbly song, looks like the poor man's Jennifer Aniston.

I have found that for myself, it is awfully difficult to make decisions, or to maintain them, when clouded opinions get in the way. Despite what a controlling, lying, deceitful, manipulative, self-absorbed bratty little gemini cunt I am, I am still highly impressionable.

All that said,

I have found a sexy new bungalow in east nashville, over by 5 points, and will be moving in there this week. I only plan on staying for about 6 months or less, but I feel like it is something I need to do. It will never match the caliber of SF15, or the SFFrame, yet the amenities are luxurious and acceptable enough to match my glamorous lifestyle.

yes, it would be easier to maintain my life in a gigantic compound... but i need the delineation of work and home life.

if you have access to this blog, you are someone who is encouraged and welcome to come to nashville and play with me at anytime.



Old habits die hard.

i just drove through the pharmacy drive-through to pick up a prescription, and there was a sign in the window that said (and i shit you not)...


"sorry, we cannot administer flu vaccines through the drive through. thank you."

a jaunt

i was already 45 minutes late because parking in the gulch is sick

but

i walked into ru sans and met lauren gardiner richards, leigh lorraine bondurant, and little cameron yeates, as well as lauren wenberg for a tedious meal of sushi. our waitress did not deserve a tip at all, and was wearing some sick knock-off designer glasses to make up no doubt for the vacuous thoughts milling through her brain. she looked like the poor man's suchin pak, and thats not saying much.

then i went and got like 16 tiny bottles of absolut and we drank outside of cocoa before hitting up Play. Some guy there decided it was a good idea to straddle cameron and i, and then we decided to go take tequila shots and drink bottomless glasses of long island iced tea.

the girls went on their way, and cameron and i went over to my friend ally's new house in madison. we picked up some stella artois and were there in 15 minutes. we got totally blown and cameron got sick but it was lovely. we woke up and a beautiful 75 degrees greeted us.

my friend jesse from philly comes in this friday, and the same thing will probably happen.

i hope to be moved in by wednesday.



oh, and if you dont know it yet, here is your latest new addiction.

www.overheardinnewyork.com


oh, and a new term i have devised for fat, bossy people...

FATITIUDE.

"that bitch has a FATITUDE"

go with it.

yes?
no?

nip/tuck airs october 30th... season 5.


may to go lot 7 tonight or tomorrow

i am waiting on those kids to call me, because apparently they are lurking about nashville... fresh from conway.

i will eat them alive.

its been a circus in the office today because my grandfather found out that apparently tom jones recorded one of the songs that he wrote/produced in the 50s. it ended up on tom jones greatest hits album, and went platinum. they stole it.

so everyone is flipping out and chainsmoking and it is my job to make sure its the same song and so i have been researching tom jones all day long.

sick.

Universal needs to send some moolah over here.


right now there are five gigantic men moving unlabeled boxes into my grandfather's theatre.

yesterday i went into walmart twice. the first time i purchased:

batteries
shaving gel
boxer briefs


the second time i purchased:

moisturizer
an issue of star weekly
a pair of tweezers.


hmm...


went to lipstick lounge with david scarpaci and did a billy joel karaoke. it was the first time i felt okay about publicly singing. i am sure the amaretto sours helped.

then everyone did the time warp and i tipped my lesbian bartender generously.

my uncle parris is in town.

i am looking for a studio apartment in east nashville.
sexy.

i tried to post some of my favorite pictures from the weekend below but i can barely operate a cell phone much less a computer so maybe you can see them, maybe you cant whatever i'm over it.

mafia night

there is something to be said about being virtually emotionless for five months, and then in a four day period all of a sudden... feeling... again.




i learned how to use a ladder today.


i bought a bottle of bombay to celebrate.

closer than you think

Speaking with Myles Murray on the phone yesterday was a rejuvenating treat.




There is so much to do, and so little time.

Appointments, calls to make, alterations, time coordinations..


why?




you'll see.

w h e r e a r e y o u

i am alive, and well. i left my phone in my bed yesterday and did not see it again until about 2:30 in the morning. due to the nature of the upcoming week, and the plans therein, i had to spend the day in preparation.

i wouldnt feel the need to post this message if i didnt receive an unsightly number of phone calls and text messages from various folks inquiring if i was alive. i am sorry for any undue stress i caused and appreciate you for it. thank you all for your support and concern in these matters.

any other questions may be directed to my publicist or attorney. god bless, bitches.


warmest regards,

~joshua mayhew~


the comic above has nothing to do with anything but i thought it was hot i hope you love it.

in college you have a bubble in which to socialize, drink, and completely incapacitate yourself knowing that you have friends who will take care of you and your bed is merely feet away no matter where you are.

therefore it is utterly acceptable if not glamorous to lead the life of a lush, a libertine...

once you are outside of this, it is of the utmost importance to change these ways. in the city, there are beds close by, but they arent yours... there are friends, but they will come and go...

the real world is a place of disease and pestilence, police officers and murder and perverts and freaks... if one acts like a college student in this environment they will quickly be eaten alive.

i speak not as someone who has been eaten alive, but as someone who almost was.

mosy

my grandfather gave me some sexy painkillers when i requested some aspirin for my headache.

brendan and i are going swimming later, then i have to go to happy hour at Tribe.

i have yet to locate my grandfather's song in "Kingdom" but my assignment for the weekend is to do just that.

It is 73 degrees in Nashville.

I have tons of important shopping, appointments, and preparations to undertake this weekend.

I have a matter of days.


make me beautiful.

on my way to purchase some pomade this afternoon, it was a typical day in the city.

i was listening to timbaland in my sexy chevy geo prizm, circa 1994, and in front of me...

A CAR FLIPPED INTO THE AIR AND LANDED ON ITS ROOF


in a mcdonalds parking lot.

it was certainly one of the scariest things i have ever seen. i dont know what caused it, as that i rarely pay attention to much of anything whilst cruising through town.

the above picture is a bit of an overdramatization buttt

what do you expect.



i freaked out the desk lady at the store because i asked her if she had any hand sanitizer behind the counter, claiming that i had a wet, sticky substance on my hand all of a sudden and i feared that i was infected with Hepatitis-C.

she said "i hope not," as vacuously as possible.


i think i will go swimming tonight.

we'll dance around

after lunch at On the Edge, having eaten a salad with an unidentifiable blood-like dressing and talking with a pink haired drug addict named heather..

i got a call. the reception was poor.

it was Him.

"pick up some fly swatters. sony is coming over for a meeting."

because my questions and tales of incompetence are not usually welcome, i went to the store and got some fly swatters.

i walked back into the office. there were three men in gucci suits sitting around my grandfather's desk. i slapped the company card and two fly swatters down on the desk, and he looked up at me in confusion and terror.

"joshua?"

"yah?" i said

"what the hell are those?"

"fly swatters~"

"i said ICE WATERS. i need ICE - WATERS for my meeting with these gentlemen. they cant really drink these fly swatters now, can they?"

"no," i said stupidly.

one of the fat ones said "well we CAN TRY!!" and erupted into greasy laughter.

ICE WATER
FLY SWATTER

say them out loud one after the other. now imagine a cell phone in the mix. work it out.



thats hot.


i then went to a bar three blocks later and proceeded to drink two gin and tonics and listen to the bartender tell me about her divorce.

nonfat skim latte

the sky was still dark when I rolled my worthless ass out of bed this morning at 5:30 a.m. During my time at Hendrix, I was often not even in bed yet at that time.

I walked all over St. Thomas Medical Center today trying to find a fucking latte and about three miles down a hallway, past several invalids with wheel chairs and unexplained eye patches, I finally found one. And it burned the shit out of my mouth and I wanted to stab someone.

My grandfather is wildly irritable and it is making my shoulder muscles extremely tense. I have a massage scheduled for Friday but I honestly think I might choke a bitch before that happens.

I have several purchases to make and things to take care of in the coming week.



i have some tricks up my sleeve


just you wait.



bitches.

oh the humanity

1:35 p.m.

I avoid Metro Center at all costs.

I was sent to the Starlite Club on Dickerson Pike and told to talk to Jerry. As usual, I was not told why and answers to my questions had no place on the agenda of those in power.

Jerry was wearing a button-up shirt with too many stripes, and I will bet a sizeable sum that the tag probably said Dockers. He gave me a fat envelope and I left.


I walked into a trashy convenience store and got pissed off because I was reminded how trashy convenience stores never carry Vitamin water, knowing it was because the people that go in there simply want to buy a Bud Light and a Powerball ticket.

Some trife crackmouth said to me at checkout, "Thems some niice sunglasses yew got on."

"I know," I said, and walked out.

I dont know why, but once again humanity has made me lose my appetite and I can no longer eat my lunch goodbye

it can be pretty, sometimes.

the eye doctor this morning was a 7:30 a.m. appointment. i dont think i have ever woken up that early for anything in my entire life.

i had to put ice cubes under my eyes and several gobs of firming cream to get the early-morning-swelling to go down. it was sick i wanted to die.

the nurse at the doctor was a tanorexic lady with a fat rock on her hand and a polka dotted belt. she had a noticeable spray tan, and the fluorescent lights werent terribly kind. doesnt she realize that if her tan is thaaat fake, she cant be working in an environment with fluorescent lighting. it is extremely unattractive and unflattering for everyone.


see danny, i was listening~

whatever i'm over it

the valley baked today in the summer sun, which has stuck around for a limited engagement.

two of my Vaintenance appointments got cancelled today, and i was pissed off.


i'm a movie star god dammit

god these people.



i have a few weeks.

I went over to Ally White's house last night and we looked at pictures of her back when she was way skinny and bulimic.

Then I went home and watched an episode of the X-Files that I remember seeing when it first aired on TV in 1995.

Some bitch at the gas station today was being extremely bossy with me when I was trying to fill up, and made me wait 10 fucking minutes before she flipped the pump on.

I said, "Well think you for being so incredibly sweet and kind about it," sarcastically.

I wanted to tell her that middle age bouffants went out of style in 1966, but I refrained and went on my sick little way.



all the people want to know your name
soon there will be lines outside your door
feelings do not matter in your game
yeah, cuz nothing's gonna touch you anymore

I bought a pair of Diors today

it is often best to say nothing, and look like you are thinking something, rather than say something completely dumb.

thumper had it right, in some cases. the delicious urge to open your mouth and spread your charisma, no matter how toxic, however, is still quite the vice.

a sense of unsettled urgency accompanies the onset of fall in Music City. I feel like something is needing to happen.

My life has settled into a temporary repose.



they are starting to know me as a regular on the party circuit. and we're talking in the city, not a small college campus.

yikes.

therefore, my evening regimens of disillusionment and long island iced tea have been waning into exercise, reading, and green tea.

probably for the best.





plastic is preservable, and durable... but ultimately very cheap.

Miss Midwest Midnight Checkout Queen

Last night, chilly, Nashville, Tennessee.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch, at the Belcourt. Hedwig climbed on me in the front row.

Afterward, dined at Flyte with Jessica Turk and her mother and had a delicious piece of salmon.

Couldn't wait to get home and strip every bracelet off of my arm, take off all my clothes, and stare at the ceiling.

Tomorrow I must wake up at 7:30. I have to do an impression of Steve Howe for 160 people, eat a light breakfast, and then get to the other side of town to tell an online downloading company that we are suing them.

I want an apple with SmarterChoice lowfat peanut butter.

And I want it now.